I have lived in so many places, I have taken on the most diverse appearances. Countless forms of life of which I retain the experience and the deepest memory. And yet, the human being surpasses them all. Even today, I wonder if I am capable of being human to the fullest. There is something in them, a contradiction perhaps apparent, a depth that continues to elude me. Like a magic to which I also want to belong.
«What are you thinking about?»
Lilia's voice shakes me from my reflections.
«I don’t know if you can understand.»
She raises an eyebrow. For a moment, I fear I’ve offended her, but then she bites into a slice of pizza and shrugs.
«If you don’t explain it to me, it’s hard. Right?»
The fact that she’s interested in me, even though she’s the one who needs answers, softens my melancholy. I think it’s the first time this has happened to me. Everyone is always focused on themselves, and she would have every right to be.
«I thought you’d take it worse. I mean... when you found out what I am.»
«I don’t think I fully understand what you are... but I’m more interested in knowing who you are.»
Her words take my breath away, but I do everything to hide it. I’ve always wanted someone to see me as a person, even after discovering my true nature.
«Ask me anything you want.»
She seems like she’s been waiting for this. She adjusts herself on the chair and answers instantly.
«How do you change shape? I noticed you’re wearing different clothes now. How do you do that?»
I feel the urge to talk about it, to open up like I never have before. Maybe because I feel safe with her. She doesn’t judge me; she just wants to understand. Maybe even... understand me.
«Every creature perceives the world through its own senses, and I can decide how I appear to those who see, touch, or hear me. Many times, I’ve wondered what I am if no one perceives me. Do I still exist, or not?»
«It’s true! You could even appear as a girl!» She finds it so amusing that she can’t hold back a laugh. «Anyway, are you referring to your true form when no one’s watching?»
«Yes.»
«Let’s see.» She closes her eyes, sighs, and swallows the last bite. I watch her slightly glossy lips, the faint tremble of her eyelashes, the way she wipes her fingers with a napkin. I could replicate her perfectly.
«Okay, now I know.»
I can’t help but smile when I see her brown eyes again.
«What’s the verdict?»
«I think you exist even when I’m not looking.» She blushes and finishes her water. «Sorry, we’ve only known each other for a day and... »
«It’s been an intense day,» I cut in.
She lowers her gaze. «Yeah... I haven’t even contacted my mom. She’s out tonight, but she’ll worry when she doesn’t get my messages.»
I frown. I don’t want to add more worries to those she already has, but I know for sure that her mother isn’t unaware of what’s going on.
I choose to stall. «Contacting her could put her in danger.»
«You’re right.»
She pulls her legs up, resting her arms on her knees. Every trace of lightness vanishes from her face, and it feels like the weight of the world has crashed down on her. I want to close the distance, to hug her, to tell her everything will be okay. But I don’t want to cross the line with her, and the truth is, I don’t even know how this will end.
«Can I ask what happened at the station?»
She inhales deeply and exhales all at once, as if releasing her thoughts.
«There was a letter from my father in the safe. It said not to trust anyone, which is why I reacted that way at the hotel. I was afraid you wanted to use me. I don’t know anything about you and... well, that’s why.»
I close my eyes. Guilt pierces me like a bullet. There’s so much I’ve hidden from her, but I don’t intend to continue like this.
«Lilia, I’m sorry for being so evasive. But I couldn’t tell you anything. Not until you found that letter.»
She raises an eyebrow. «I don’t understand, why?»
«Because I needed to see what you’d do without influencing your choices.»
«Are we talking about my instincts again?»
«Partly. What else was written in the message?»
I see her hesitate, and I can’t blame her. Her father told her not to trust anyone, after all. Just thinking about it makes me burn with anger. He’s lied to her all her life, and yet he dares to cast doubt on me. I wonder if he anticipated I’d help her, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions.
I rest my forearms on my knees and look her in the eyes. «I promised I’d tell you what I can. And I will tonight, but I need to know what happened at the station.»
She takes a deep breath, shrugs, and recounts the letter’s content.
«I don’t know how I remember the words so clearly, but that’s exactly what it said.»
Her surprised look tells me she has no idea what she’s capable of. In theory, I shouldn’t know either, but following rules has never been my strong suit, and my skills are quite useful when it comes to gathering information.
«So, you deciphered the letter’s instructions. Then?»
«I deleted a list from the station's system. It was a list of people. My brother's name and photo were there too, but why?»
Her questions are all legitimate, things she would have learned eventually. I just didn’t want to be the one to shatter her perception of the world. There’s so much hidden behind the veil of appearances. Sometimes I wonder if people can sense it. Maybe they do, but they make movies about it, thinking it’s just imagination. They believe deities are mere inventions, stories. That myths are allegorical, nothing real. How wrong they are.
«Why aren’t you saying anything?» she asks, leaning forward, her hands pressed into the sheets.
«I don’t know where to start,» I confess, brushing my eyebrow.
She spreads her arms and stands up. «The beginning might be a good choice, Ema.»
I like that she calls me that. It makes me feel human. But more than anything, it makes me feel like I belong to her, even just a little. No longer just a stranger who watched her when she didn’t know.
«Well? I’m waiting,» she urges, taking a step toward me.
I know that once I tell her everything, my role in this story will change, and the consequences will be impossible to predict. But I’ve already gone too far. Over the past few months, I’ve fought against my feelings, done everything to avoid them. It didn’t work. Now, telling her the truth isn’t a choice anymore—it’s a necessity.
I confess to her that the girl at the bus stop was me, and I whispered those numbers to unlock locker number eight hundred and three. I even painted the mural with that number to imprint it in her mind. I waited for her in the hallway to make sure she noticed it and found its contents. Even the funeral home billboard was my doing. All of this took months of preparation.
She was supposed to read the message in the locker and follow the instructions on her own, and then I was supposed to disappear. Forever.
As I speak, her eyes widen. I see the astonishment in her parted lips and the nervousness in her fidgeting fingers.
«What else?» she asks, her voice barely a whisper.
«Do you remember the sound you heard at the hotel? I caused that disturbance on the TV. It was an attempt to reactivate your memories; they must be there, locked in your mind. Because even I don’t know anything about your childhood. I only know that you are very, very special.»
She runs her hands through her hair, incredulous. «Special? What are you talking about?»
I get up and approach the window. The yellow lights of the streetlamps stand out against the darkness of the night, outlining the shapes of nearby houses. I don’t expect anyone to know about this place, but they could have followed the taxi. I lower the blinds and turn to look at her.
«Believe it or not, it's true. You've seen for yourself what you're capable of.»
Her gaze becomes distant, as if she's trying to piece together events. «Since my father died, it's been easier to remember things... but that's all.»
I'm not surprised. He likely implanted a mental block in her mind, preventing her from accessing her abilities until a specific event occurred. She wouldn’t be the first.
«You still don’t know your limits.»
Lilia takes a few steps around the room, as if searching within those four walls for answers buried in her memories.
«I thought it was from the trauma of my father’s death. Since then, it's like something unlocked in me.»
This confirms my theory, but it’s not the right time to discuss it. First, I want her to discover something else on her own. Something she would never believe if I told her.
«I can try to help you remember again.»
I know it will be painful, maybe even more than the first time. I imagine she knows this too. She’s pale, and the dark circles under her eyes have deepened.
I approach but don’t dare touch her. Her hands tremble, clasped together. She’s the one who seeks contact, resting her forehead on my shoulder.
Only then do I give in to the need to hold her. She clings to me tightly, and I stroke the back of her neck. Her hair is so soft, her scent so unique. I place my hands on her shoulders and gently pull back, just enough to keep my sanity.
«I’ll be here with you, okay?» I assure her, looking into her eyes.
She wipes her forehead and nods. «Okay.»
I go to a monitor and set it to a specific frequency. At the hotel, I used a device to create interference, but here I don’t need it.
«Ready?»
«No, but let’s do it anyway.» She sits on the bed, resting her hands on her knees. I hope I’m not making things worse, but I know she’s strong. She can handle it. I’m convincing myself to inflict this pain, but if I think too much, I won’t activate the signal.
So, I just do it.
The high-pitched screech slices through the air like the sharpest blade. Lilia opens her mouth and freezes, then her eyes roll back, and she collapses onto her side. Her body convulses, even after the sound stops and the interference fades. Seeing her like this devastates me.
«Hey, hey. I’m here.»
I wipe her mouth and prevent her from choking on her own tongue. I hold her until her body relaxes from the spasms. She mumbles something, but I can’t understand. I dampen a towel and wipe her face, as pale as a corpse.
«He said it too, that I’m special,» she slurs, eyes wide. «Special, special.»
«Shh, wait.»
I cradle her in my arms, almost thinking she’s fallen asleep. Then she sighs and presses a hand to my chest.
«I’m here. I’m okay.»
I touch her face; it's cold and damp. I help her sit up and pour her some water. She sips it, then stares into the glass as if it holds the answers she seeks.
«My father wasn’t who I thought he was. We’re not even related.»
Her voice is barely a whisper. I say nothing, and when she lifts her gaze to mine, she sees the truth there.
«But you already knew, didn’t you?»
I nod. «But don’t think I have all the answers about him.»
She buries her face in her hands, her shoulders sagging under an unbearable weight.
«My life is a lie. I’ve lived in an illusion. I don’t know who I am anymore, where I come from. I don’t know anything.»
I want to tell her I understand, that I know that feeling of being lost. But it wouldn’t help. I’m still trying to piece together my own shattered identity, scattered across countless lives.
«It’s too much. I can’t handle it.» She shakes her head, and the glass falls to the floor.
I don’t know what she saw, but the last thing I want is to make her relive it now. I adjust the covers and pillow for her.
«Let’s do this: lie down and close your eyes. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.»
Her reddened eyes seem sunken as she looks at me.
«I’m afraid to sleep. If I sleep, you won’t be here.»
My heart shatters in that instant. I can almost hear the sound of the pieces falling to the depths of my soul. If I could, I’d cross even the boundary between sleep and wakefulness for her.
«I’m not going anywhere. Come here.» I lie on my side and hold out my hand.
She hesitates. «Are you sure it’s okay?»
«I’m sure.»
She lies next to me, curling up as if she wants to disappear into my chest. I pull the blanket over us and gently move her hair off her neck. She shivers, then exhales deeply, letting go.
«You won’t leave?»
«No. I promise again. I’ll promise every time.»
«Why?»
There are so many things I could say, but I can’t choose just one that says it all.
«You choose the answer,» I whisper.
«And how will I know it’s the right one?»
I rest my head on the pillow, my lips against her hair.
«I’ll make sure it is.»
She stays silent for a moment, then hugs me tighter.
«I’ve chosen.»
«Do you like it?»
«A lot.»
«Then we’ll keep that one.»
«You’re an angel, aren’t you? Tell me the truth.»
I smile. «It’s my best trick.»
«Really?»
«Mh, mh.»
«And can you fly?»
«That’s what wings are for.»
«Will you take me with you?»
«Wherever you want.»
I expect another question, but her breathing grows heavy and steady. I stroke her hair and close my eyes. Tonight, I’ll try to sleep too. For the first time.
Editing : Priscilla Gullotta (Instagram @libriacuorleggero)
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